hana_byul87

It's so quiet here, a little too quiet perhaps. 

Still without direction, should I seriously look for work, should I give school a try, allowing my mom to rub it in and tell me she was right? Looking for work has been discouraging. The ads on craigslist want experience, or knowledge of a second language. I've applied to a few different entry level positions I was certain I'd get a call for, but haven't heard anything. The uncertainty of what's to come for me is daunting.

On the bright side, I'm spending more time with my grandmother. She's the kindest person I know and one of the strongest. It wasn't until recently that I found out she's got quite a few battle scars. She hasn't been to war or anything, but she's battled breast cancer and has had numerous surgeries. Grandpa died when I was in middle school, so that means its been at least 10 years since he passed away. I don't know how she manages to live by herself. I've been here for a little over a month and I already feel lonely. I know she wants to see all her grandchildren, including me married with children of our own. It seems like such a simple wish, I almost want to grant it for her. I feel so sad whenever I think about what little I can do for her. 

I turned 24 this past Monday. Torrie and my dad came over with pizza, cake and icecream to celebrate 2 days before my actual birthdate. I know that Torrie was the one who drove and initiated the celebration. I'm grateful to have her as a stepmom. I love my father, but he's never been one to put thought and effort into anything other than work. Kristin stopped by on Halloween with brownie mix. I was happy to see her. We played a few games of Hanafuda, the Hawaiian version. Kristin bought a pack that was on sale. Our auntie Lyn showed us how she played it as it was taught to her. I got lots of Birthday wishes via FB, a call from my mom's sister, auntie Jo, and a text from my mom. It's no surprise that my brother didn't send any messages.

My relationship with both my mom and brother has been strained on and off, mostly on. I recently hung up on my brother, Gavin. He seems to think I need to be told what to do. He doesn't get to visit often, due to his financial situation and the Pacific ocean that separates us. His last visit was nice, except for the night he spent 4 hours lecturing me. I was kinda hoping we could just hangout and talk, but silly me, I forgot that he takes after my mom.

My mother, like most mothers I suppose, feels the need to criticize me for just about everything. She's had me under her thumb since she divorced my dad and I moved in with her. We've been all each other had ever since. In what I'm certain, has been the past few months, she went from online buddy to new roommate/potential 2nd marriage. She'd never admit it, but I feel like she gave me the boot as soon as he proposed he move in. So I've decided I won't care how immature I may seem. I have nothing against, Rick, that's her roommate's name, I'm hurt by my mom's behavior and even if I've been avoiding her, she should have called to say, "Happy birthday". Immature-sure, pathetic-maybe, bitter-well duh.

Sadly the highlights of my recent days have been watching Korean dramas. 미남이시네요 or "You're Beautiful" has been a rollercoaster of emotions to watch. Once the drama ended however I was left feeling sad and bored. When I was checking out KBFD to see what was on I ended up watching "Smile Honey". I was instantly drawn in by the characters and story.  For Seo Jung In it should be the happiest day of her life. Although her marriage can be seen as the merging of two very powerful families they two appear to be very much in love. Former driver of the Seo family, Kang Man Bok and his family attend the wedding in honor of the belated CEO. Although their presence is unwelcomed by the Seo family, Kang Man Bok wishes Jung In happiness as she drives off with her husband, Lee Han Sae, to their honeymoon. On the way Han Sae, recieves an urgent call from his father that the Seo family is bankrupt and that the marraige is void. Han Sae and Jung In are shocked to hear this. Han Sae is instructed to return immediately, while Jung In demands that he stay if he loves her. Afraid to lose his inheritance, Han Sae abandons Jung In on the road. Upset with her family for deceiving her and dejected by her husband she wanders in search of Grandpa Kang (aka former driver Kang Man Bok) After being mistaken for a mad woman dressed in a torn wedding dress Grandpa Kang picks up a defeated Jung In at the local police station. Throw these two famlies together and you have Korean romantic comedy at its best. I was excited to find it's been extended to 46 episodes! http://www.dramabeans.com/2009/11/smile-extended-to-46-episodes/  Jung Kyung Ho is my crush of the moment. I'm about less than half-way through and loving it.

Enjoying new drama called Queen of Housewives.

Self absorbed Chun Ji Ae had it all in highschool, but years after getting married she's finding that life isn't quite as she pictured it. Her husband is unemployed and her reputaion is smeared when her friends hear all about it from her mother. Fed up she demands that her husband get a job or give her a divorce. While her husband goes out for interviews she sneaks herself into the good graces of the wife of her husbands future employer. While running an errand of sorts she runs into Yang Bong Soon, Ji Ae's former classmate and ex-friend, whom she mistreated. Ji Ae soon is surprised to find that Bong Soon turned things around for herself and is happily married to a successful business man who happens to be Ji Ae's jilted ex.

I can't wait for the 2nd ep.!

            Okay, so I'm trying to rework this script for a manga idea I had played with. I'm changing it from strictly dialogue to story form. My friend encouraged me to post something up on writerscafe.org, since I joined. Thing is, I have no idea what I'm doing, cause I suck when it comes to writing. I could look for some of my old writing assignments from school, but I already know how awful they are.
            I've always dreaded journal time in school, cause I never knew what to write. Seriously, I have nothing going on in the noggin. If you were ever to see me looking like I'm in deep thought, I'm probably just spacing out. It's like I lack creativity. I can alter and fine tune things alright, but too create something totally original, I have yet to achieve. With drawing I'm pretty good at copying, but I really struggle to draw without guidelines or references. This is one of the reasons I won't pursue a career in art of any form.

Okay, so I was going through some of my notebooks and found this letter I wrote to my former friend, Nette. I don't think I ever intended to give it to her. I think this was just a way to gather my thoughts and possibly confront her about it.


Dear Nette,


        There is such much I've wanted to tell you in hopes that you would understand just how much I have always believed in you. I see much potential in you it frustrates me to see you accept, no recede to a life of living day to day on social security or some other government assisted program. I see you Nette, and I know that you could thrive out there and really do something with your life; become a designer or travel to exotic places. (I think I added this cause she always said she wanted off this rock.) But you've put up these automatic defense that you're not destined for greatness and I think that's bullshit you've fed yourself to protect yourself from disappointment. By doing so you you put out any flame of hope of a better life. You've already set in your mind that you'll fail and you will, because you've already given up the battle.



I'd always tell her she can do better, but never really got to her. Her problem was she never trusted anyone not even herself.

I can't believe I used the word recede. I'm not even sure if I used it right.